I don't know how many ways I can say this or how many times I can say this, but parenting, motherhood, raising babies is the single most DIFFICULT thing I have ever done in my life.
Marching 16+ hours on a football field then squeezing into a bus seat for 15hours--- Easy.
Running 13.1 miles in the cold weather--- Easier
Keeping up a house/maintaining finances---Easiest
Taking care of 2 babies who cannot tell you what they need/want, or what is hurting them, how much pain they are in..what they are feeling.. Hardest and Worst feeling by far.
If only these sweet boys could have told me from the start that they were having constant headaches.
If only they could tell me now that they would like more tylenol because the surgery is still hurting them.
If only they could say, 'don't worry mom, it's just my teeth that hurt'
I'm trying my absolute best to hold it together.
That in iteself is incredibly tough.
How do I know that these past 2 days of bad sleep, lack of food and surgery to the eyes isn't what is taking it's toll on their little bodies?
Or how do I know that those top teeth I see pushing through isn't the reason for their fussiness?
Or, just what if, the fact that Eli's eye has a LOT of blood in it, isn't the reason that he is sleeping so much right now... what if something is terribly wrong..and what if I choose the wrong symptom and something worse happens because of my choice as a mom...
It's amazing to realize that I went from laughing and smiling when I wrote this blog, to crying almost everytime.. replaying these past few days is so mentally exhausting..
I'm trying so hard to put all of my faith in the hands of God and trust that there is an over-all plan.
This is so much harder than I ever could have thought it would be.